Quest for Reality

With all this character generation stuff in mind, I can't help but think how much of my world is based on my desires and perceptions.

Like, I think that all my potential employers prefer stereotypically femme white women with long flowing hair who wear makeup and have mastered the skills of small talk. So I do my best to act this way in each interview. Or like, I want to go out and wear my high heels and dresses and corsets just because I feel like looking nice. But because I hate when men gawk and jeer at me I choose my combat boots, black jeans, and black hooded jacket to cover up – even though sometimes I’d prefer to walk in the streets surrounded by a 5-foot-thick brick wall.

And from here, loads of questions pour into my brain: How much of my world is based on other people's desires and perceptions? I can’t be the only one who feels this kind of insecurity, or rather, disconnect. Where does the real world [RL] enter all of this? If I'm performing my personality – and if lots of other people are performing – how can my interactions with people be real? What is real? How do I know when something is real? And how do I go about not performing, perceiving, and projecting?

I fear I’m getting too abstract [and by abstract I really mean crazy]. So let me present my conundrum to you through a very common scenario. This scenario, I am about 99.999% sure you have all experienced. Just in case though, make sure you save before this event happens so you can load and start over if you don't like the outcome.

[Save]

You're walking in public. Where you are walking and where you are headed do not matter. You see someone you know walking toward you. You both look at each other and smile - or wave or nod. As you two approach each other, your acquaintance says, 

"Hi! How are you?"

Well, we're both headed somewhere and I doubt this person is interested in having a long-winded conversation about my fear of being rejected at the latest job I applied to so I'll keep it brief.  

"I'm fine," you say.

"That's cool," says Acquaintance.

Being fine usually doesn't warrant further questioning. Apparently if things are fine well then there's nothing to be said, is there? Why do people only seem interested if I tell them that I'm upset, or scared, or depressed? Why isn't anything good considered news? 

...Silence.....

Let's get this show on the road! 

"So, how are you?" I say.

Ugh, why do I even bother with that question? I know what the answer is going to be. 

Acquaintance says, "I'm good."

[Pause]

I don’t know about you, but when this happens to me I often ask myself questions all based on the word “really.” What’s really being said here? Do I really care about how this person is doing, and vice versa; or am I reluctantly following accepted social etiquette? I wonder how this person really feels? If I felt like the person really cared about how I was doing, what would I say? 

When this happens to you, what do you think? Is your mind flooded with questions like these, and if they are, do you also wish that you could quit and reload?

Quit and Reload

While gaming I often wish that things were really this easy.

In the gaming world, if I don't like the outcome of a certain scenario I can click a few buttons and load to just before it happened. With my ability to turn back time, I can achieve the brief gift of foresight which will help me make each and every encounter work in my favor. Not only am I satisfied with my brilliance, I am comfortable and confident that no foes will interfere with my totally attainable and successful job of saving the world.

But in the real world I can't quit and reload. And you know what? Sometimes, that really sucks. Like when you can't take back the haunting fact that you were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or like when a confrontation occurs between you and a friend that is so harsh and strong, no quantity of sincere words or gestures or gifts will ever make it better despite how much you want it to.

Other times, the inability to quit and reload does not seem to be too much of a problem. Most of the time things aren’t so bad. You can laugh them off or get over them after drinking a steaming cuppa tea. And the abundance of good games and books and music helps you escape whatever darkness is growing inside you, somewhere between the bottom of your heart and the back of your thoughts...

It is possible that I might not be wishing for easiness. I already slip into controlling my own fantastical – and unfortunately, fictional – world with ease. In reality, what I’m really wishing for is control. Because I often feel vulnerable. To violence, definitely. But more importantly, I fear being subject to other people’s judgment and projections. Because then, I fear, I can’t control who I am, let alone my interactions with people. How can I exist if people see otherwise?

So if I follow the frame of thought I’m constructing this very moment, maybe I’m wishing to not be afraid: to put myself entirely and proudly into existence.

Which is really absurd because of the amount of effort I put into character generation! And I’m not just talking about character generation in the gaming world, like “I think this time I’ll be a hobbit swashbuckler who specializes in pick pocketing.” I’m talking about the “real” world. I create multiple personas for each flavor of occasion. Costumes to accompany each persona. I can perform my personality, and after 23 years of practice I think it’s becoming more of a challenge.

Do I sound crazy? Does any of this make sense to you?

Maybe this will. Meet Brian from the British comedy, Spaced. He is a an artist who just received an invitation from Vulva, an old friend who is performing later that night. Here Brian practices how best to approach Vulva:

Character Generation

I'm in the process of character generation. In real life and in Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn. This woman looks strong and confident enough for me:

"Her name could be Klaw or something..."

"Sure. Whatever you want," says my partner, Brainstorm.

"Uh, I can't think of anything."

We both sit in silence and sip our cups of chamomile tea. Drinking chamomile tea is our ritual. It helps us manage anxieties we have about ourselves, our fears, and the world we live in. The tea itself is not a miracle herb that instantly extinguishes heart palpitations, depression, or lethargy; but the process is soothing. Boiling the water on the stove, clearing off the table, setting the tea cups and saucers in place, jumping at the whistle of the tea pot, pouring the boiled water on bags of dried chamomile flowers and gratefully inhaling the steam while the tea steeps...by the first sip I'm calm and ready to stand firm again.

"What about chamomile?"

"That has a nice ring to it. And if I change the lettering to that medieval warrior style, all improper like and....Yeah!"

Kamumil.