Quest for Reality

With all this character generation stuff in mind, I can't help but think how much of my world is based on my desires and perceptions.

Like, I think that all my potential employers prefer stereotypically femme white women with long flowing hair who wear makeup and have mastered the skills of small talk. So I do my best to act this way in each interview. Or like, I want to go out and wear my high heels and dresses and corsets just because I feel like looking nice. But because I hate when men gawk and jeer at me I choose my combat boots, black jeans, and black hooded jacket to cover up – even though sometimes I’d prefer to walk in the streets surrounded by a 5-foot-thick brick wall.

And from here, loads of questions pour into my brain: How much of my world is based on other people's desires and perceptions? I can’t be the only one who feels this kind of insecurity, or rather, disconnect. Where does the real world [RL] enter all of this? If I'm performing my personality – and if lots of other people are performing – how can my interactions with people be real? What is real? How do I know when something is real? And how do I go about not performing, perceiving, and projecting?

I fear I’m getting too abstract [and by abstract I really mean crazy]. So let me present my conundrum to you through a very common scenario. This scenario, I am about 99.999% sure you have all experienced. Just in case though, make sure you save before this event happens so you can load and start over if you don't like the outcome.

[Save]

You're walking in public. Where you are walking and where you are headed do not matter. You see someone you know walking toward you. You both look at each other and smile - or wave or nod. As you two approach each other, your acquaintance says, 

"Hi! How are you?"

Well, we're both headed somewhere and I doubt this person is interested in having a long-winded conversation about my fear of being rejected at the latest job I applied to so I'll keep it brief.  

"I'm fine," you say.

"That's cool," says Acquaintance.

Being fine usually doesn't warrant further questioning. Apparently if things are fine well then there's nothing to be said, is there? Why do people only seem interested if I tell them that I'm upset, or scared, or depressed? Why isn't anything good considered news? 

...Silence.....

Let's get this show on the road! 

"So, how are you?" I say.

Ugh, why do I even bother with that question? I know what the answer is going to be. 

Acquaintance says, "I'm good."

[Pause]

I don’t know about you, but when this happens to me I often ask myself questions all based on the word “really.” What’s really being said here? Do I really care about how this person is doing, and vice versa; or am I reluctantly following accepted social etiquette? I wonder how this person really feels? If I felt like the person really cared about how I was doing, what would I say? 

When this happens to you, what do you think? Is your mind flooded with questions like these, and if they are, do you also wish that you could quit and reload?