In the gaming world, if I don't like the outcome of a certain scenario I can click a few buttons and load to just before it happened. With my ability to turn back time, I can achieve the brief gift of foresight which will help me make each and every encounter work in my favor. Not only am I satisfied with my brilliance, I am comfortable and confident that no foes will interfere with my totally attainable and successful job of saving the world.
But in the real world I can't quit and reload. And you know what? Sometimes, that really sucks. Like when you can't take back the haunting fact that you were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or like when a confrontation occurs between you and a friend that is so harsh and strong, no quantity of sincere words or gestures or gifts will ever make it better despite how much you want it to.
Other times, the inability to quit and reload does not seem to be too much of a problem. Most of the time things aren’t so bad. You can laugh them off or get over them after drinking a steaming cuppa tea. And the abundance of good games and books and music helps you escape whatever darkness is growing inside you, somewhere between the bottom of your heart and the back of your thoughts...
It is possible that I might not be wishing for easiness. I already slip into controlling my own fantastical – and unfortunately, fictional – world with ease. In reality, what I’m really wishing for is control. Because I often feel vulnerable. To violence, definitely. But more importantly, I fear being subject to other people’s judgment and projections. Because then, I fear, I can’t control who I am, let alone my interactions with people. How can I exist if people see otherwise?
So if I follow the frame of thought I’m constructing this very moment, maybe I’m wishing to not be afraid: to put myself entirely and proudly into existence.
Which is really absurd because of the amount of effort I put into character generation! And I’m not just talking about character generation in the gaming world, like “I think this time I’ll be a hobbit swashbuckler who specializes in pick pocketing.” I’m talking about the “real” world. I create multiple personas for each flavor of occasion. Costumes to accompany each persona. I can perform my personality, and after 23 years of practice I think it’s becoming more of a challenge.
Do I sound crazy? Does any of this make sense to you?
Maybe this will. Meet Brian from the British comedy, Spaced. He is a an artist who just received an invitation from Vulva, an old friend who is performing later that night. Here Brian practices how best to approach Vulva:
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